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LiveJournal for brian liam.

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Tuesday, September 10th, 2002

Subject:lower temperature than we ever get in our bodies
Time:10:20 am.
such a beautiful, beautiful deception. i miss it already.
Comments: Read 3 orAdd Your Own.

Tuesday, September 3rd, 2002

Subject:also has longitudinal processes- fibers.
Time:8:09 am.
Mood:arteries that supply your.
there was one point, this weekend, when i found myself in a reflection of familiar pasts- however the dimensions were shifted in dramatic ways, lifting me from the ground and letting my head fall where it once alighted comfortably.

this of course stemmed from one of the most frustrating evenings i've had in weeks. ironically enough, these frustrations also stemmed from things past. so at least the evening came full circle, and i slept and woke with a heavy head. just like old times.

what it boils down to: i don't think about people the way other people think about people. their actions, reactions, anticipated actions, possible actions, repercussions of their actions, and so on. people find all this so fascinating. the personal art of mapping people, and psychology, and so on. in a somewhat confused and precocious manner, however, i find myself either a) unwilling or b) unable to participate in the great social calculation. and it bores me to no end. this is probably the reason i fail to interact with people in a fair and rational fashion all the time: they spend their time thinking about such things, and i rarely do. it requires quite a conscious effort on my part. too much effort for such an ultimately useless end.

please stop. can't we find something better to talk about?
Comments: Read 3 orAdd Your Own.

Wednesday, August 7th, 2002

Subject:Ya know...
Time:4:57 pm.
Mood: bitchy.
So I'm playing backgammon, right, and I'm totally housing this random player. Then they up and leave the game, and I am left with nary a single point from this whole sordid affair. Fuckin' fucks.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Sunday, August 4th, 2002

Subject:this weekend:
Time:2:22 pm.
Mood: amused.
After harassing people for money all day on friday, me and the ladies set out looking for action. we found it:

-in the dumpster behind manhatten bagel, with fidgety ladies clumsily fumbling for the deadbolt on the screen door. they were ready to give their lives for their trash, apparently.

-in the adventurous bartender at the 'limelight' in TO, willing to create the surfer on acid for us.

-in listening to peaches.

-in getting scalded awake in the driver seat of my car at 6 AM in the parking lot of Diner X.

-in desiring veggie dogs.

-in seeing the shittiest art opening ever,with but 4 paintings with two fags hovering over the unopened bottles of wine. completely unexpectedly, they were talking about being gay.

-in burning.

-in the worst parade ever, featuring a single float every ten minutes. but all the jerk chicken we could ever need.

-in the world's largest rap video, complete with womanizing ninnies from DEETROIT trying to catch some play from the ladies.

-in procuring my own bordello.

-in the pope squat.

-most importantly: in planning the cranberry hill family reunion. in thinking about the glitter on the ground, and the remnants the buildings. in the anticipation of the hike, the fire, this.

says the USA: "No, sir, I don't know much of anything..." or "Excuse me, excuse me, $25 would not even begin to fill one of my many vehicles...".

say the Americans in Canada: "Which one of these pretty girls is yours?" or "You gonna hook up with me this weekend, honey?" or "Liquor is quicker."

say the Canadians: "Blah blah blah blah" or "Got a cigarette, dog?"
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Wednesday, July 24th, 2002

Subject:Check out this resumptive pronoun
Time:10:44 am.
Mood: confused.
My jalapeño and wheat pizza, she is a demanding mistress!
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Saturday, July 6th, 2002

Time:10:33 am.
Mood: amused.
i found this written, mysteriously, in one of my journals:



in other news, im in dublin, and even though its cold and rainy it is hot hot hot. ima go see CJ Bolland tonight, wot!
Comments: Read 2 orAdd Your Own.

Tuesday, May 21st, 2002

Subject:chez moi
Time:9:56 am.
Mood: content.
i am visiting my town of origin for a few days. i love it in the summer. it is so green and so full of life that i was quite taken aback when i first saw it- but i love being here for the time being. its almost funny how it never changes. but im glad it never does- it gives me a fixed, static point in the middle of everything.

theres the pharmacy, and the pizza parlor. theres the hotel that hasnt enjoyed tenants since god knows when. theres the spa- the lonely spigot spouting mineral water and the huge tunnel which leads the kayederossas through town.

in retrospect, i wouldn't have traded the politics of small-town social circles and the almost binding town limits which were never big enough. i now find charm in ballston spa's complete lack of any charm.
Comments: Read 4 orAdd Your Own.

Saturday, May 18th, 2002

Time:8:42 pm.
Mood: awake.

You are Yourself!

Gay, straight. These words mean very little to you. You are yourself and that's all you need to know. You fall in love with the same gender, but you believe that isn't all there is to you. Your lack of "traditional" gay pride is interpreted by many queers as internal homophobia, but in truth you just want to be your true self. Not just gay.

Take the what kind of fag are you quiz by PsychosisX!

Your lack of "traditional" gay pride is interpreted by many queers as internal homophobia

word. if i had a nickel for every time that that accusation was leveled at me...
Comments: Read 2 orAdd Your Own.

Friday, May 17th, 2002

Subject:two boys that were at peace
Time:10:40 am.
Mood: cynical.
if there's one thing i've had plenty of recently it's time. voici the reason i've been drawn into this lj tripe again, and why i have sustained it. but this is also the reason that i find myself thinking about the same things i always think about. there are always the same gut-wrenching, hair-pulling worries but now they are accompanyed by cinematic and muted now distant memories. they go a little something like this:

the sun is bright, but it's cold out. the backpack straps are hard, and they are cutting into my shoulders again. i think the skin on my shoulders is getting resistant and calloused to it. i'm walking quickly, if i only knew what awaited me (rushing into everything, for years to come). and the bulk of the journey passed by as usual, head in the clouds, happy nonsense. i remember looking across the empty field as far as the mostly empty school complex. i remember seeing your car, and stopping. i looked inside, i investigated. you.

then i remember sitting, and getting eyed suspiciously by an old lady who really did know me, and really did know i was not there with impure motivations. but she kept breaking pencil leads, cursing under her breath. then as you were freed, and started down the long long hallway it seemed as if the hallway grew in length as you walked, so as to keep you walking in one static place indefinately.

"i really like that backpack"

and now and then memories like these come floating to the surface, it's a miracle any of them survived really. now you are me; it's your turn to spend saturday night out of sight out of mind and your turn to incinerate the evidence. and what a delicously easy and pleasurable way you've chosen. don't tell me, it'll be too much.

i know the crosses i bear, i bear because i am too hung-up and high strung to drop them. how could you, mere hours away from my being, my essence, succeed where i have failed? which one of us is losing here?

i'm picking up that phone right now, so you won't have anything over me.
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Thursday, May 16th, 2002

Time:7:11 pm.
Mood: cranky.
alright so today i went back to the oral surgeon's. i had one extraction site which kinda hurt, so i figured it was a dry socket and i went to get it fixed. the good news: it wasn't a dry socket, and my gums healed quite well. the bad news: my gums healed so well, in fact, that they entombed the stiches in my jaw. this was a problem. so i sat there as the doc took a fucking scalpel to my face to cut them out. it wasn't pretty. so now i gotta start healing all over again, and im still pretty freakin cranky.

oh and my upstairs neighbors had some massive party last night, and apparently theyre having a rehash of it tonight. they used to be so meek! why, god, i ask again why have you forsaken me!
Comments: Read 4 orAdd Your Own.

Tuesday, May 14th, 2002

Time:6:13 pm.
and to make today even better, i just saw john ritter's penis on the cosby show. why god, oh why have you forsaken me?
Comments: Read 2 orAdd Your Own.

Subject:the day from HELL
Time:5:34 pm.
Mood: bitchy.
oh my good lord- i am sorry i ever ventured out of the house today.

i was feeling better, so i decided i might as well put myself to some use and do my laundry. so jen and i went and did that and encountered a full laundromat, empty bankaccounts, bitchy cvs clerks, stupid cvs clerks, more red lights than you can shake a stick at, empty gas tanks, an old lady who just wouldn't leave me alone, and fucking buffalo weather. then i get home and im dying of hunger and all i can eat is fucking oatmeal because i have GAPING HOLES IN MY MOUTH. ahem.

and now i hear the quinoa im cooking for my roommate overflowing. son of a bitch.

ohhhh mister john, if you're reading this and i know you will, call me. we must discuss the current scheme.
Comments: Read 2 orAdd Your Own.

Monday, May 13th, 2002

Subject:i spent all day dreaming of the way i'd like to hold you...
Time:10:27 am.
Mood: contemplative.
...so i got absolutely nothing done, but it was so much fun, dear, have i told you?

. ok so this makes day four of my hermitage. it is this predicament i am in which has driven me back to livejournal. why, i hadn't looked at this thing in months almost- now i'm updating, looking around at other people's LJs, and having such a great time playing with all the new personal preference options.

maybe this has been a blessing in disguise, though. i have really been able to sink my teeth into my summer reading list, as well as the summer projects i have laid out for myself. here is my summer reading list, in order:

La Condition Humaine
L'âge de Raison
Huis Clos
A Thig, Ná Thit Orm
Dante's Inferno

all i want to do is eat solid food, goddammit!
Comments: Read 3 orAdd Your Own.

Sunday, May 12th, 2002

Subject:day three
Time:8:44 am.
Mood: cranky.
ack i am on day three of wisdom teeth recovery. i think.. i think sleeping makes it worse. i wake up and i feel like SHIT, and then as the day goes on i feel better and better and better- until i fall asleep and wake up again. this is a problem, because all i want to do is sleep because of the codeine the doc gave me. not to mention that i'm like, growing a beard cos i haven't been able to shave due to my puffy cheeks.

i am still UTTERLY delightly to see my LJ sidebar all in irish. it even says 'dia dhuit, a extravaganceinc' at the top. sigh. now i have nothing to do all summer, school's out.
Comments: Read 4 orAdd Your Own.

Saturday, May 11th, 2002

Subject:too exciting
Time:1:18 pm.
i just set my LJ language to irish. too exciting, too exciting.
Comments: Read 3 orAdd Your Own.

Monday, April 15th, 2002

Time:11:12 am.
hey guys im back
Comments: Read 6 orAdd Your Own.

Monday, February 4th, 2002

Subject:i want to ....
Time:2:25 pm.
if you ever wanna see my journal, from now on, you have to be on my friends list. not knowing who can be out there reading this has finally gotten the better of me, and so i am going to make all entries friends only from this point on.

so yeah, if you feel like you'd be missin out on anything, give me an IM, and we can make you privy to my goings-on.
Comments: Read 3 orAdd Your Own.

Time:2:22 pm.
hello!? are you even reading this?! i'm not doing this for my health.
Comments: Read 3 orAdd Your Own.

Monday, January 28th, 2002

Time:8:40 pm.
Mood: amused.
the most wonderful things are happening- you place a problem in front of me and i will solve it, no matter how unsavory.

Comments: Read 2 orAdd Your Own.

Time:2:25 pm.
Mood: anxious.
literally: in the usual roundabout way i have been accused of more property damage- again completely out of my sphere of influence. i am not such a shady motherfucker that i would not come clean about anything of that nature. in fact, let the record show that in the past i have been quite forthcoming about things of this nature. if i had any part to do with it, i would own up to it, i really would. but it is not my problem this time, and i couldn't care less.

then: the feelings i have on my upcoming project seem to seamlessly shift from one end of the spectrum to the other; dread to wonder, hate to love. i have nothing to be scared of, yet i am petrified by the unexplored which will be unfolding as i go in the next few weeks.

in addition: i have assumed another project along the same lines. i am giving back. or trying to, rather. floating face-down downstream; i've no use for a paddle.

i thought: that it was all over last night. i was overwhelmed with the most menial and trivial things, a situation which at the time seemed irreperable. i thought it was fixed this morning, but my french class re-emphasized those feelings. one cup of coffee and a lecture on the design features of human language later i am jittery and feeling just fine, caffeine headrush aside. i needed some grounding; nothing like postulating about the nature of human language to make me feel whole again.

they say: that you can't look to worldly things to make you whole. this obviously implies material goods, but it extends to people. johnny c: isn't this what you've been saying all along?
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LiveJournal for brian liam.

View:User Info.
You're looking at the latest 20 entries. Missed some entries? Then simply jump back 20 entries.